One year down.. A Lifetime to go..

The weekend was indeed incredible. It is was all that I expected it would be. I got to see a lot of close friends that I haven’t gotten to see in a long time. I also got to spend time with some of the major players in my life this past year. I felt very fortunate being able to sit down with them and reminisce about everything. It got pretty emotional for me by the end of the day. On the drive home from Oxford, I had this ‘chilling’ feeling that was telling me I would cry at some point today. I felt absolutely fine at the time, and I had no clue what was going to get me, but I just knew it was going to happen. I was really surprised when I got this feeling. I can’t remember the last time I have cried. I know that I haven’t shed a tear since the day of the accident, because I have wanted to so many times. The days that I’ve felt really down, I would try to get a good cry out, but I could never do it. I wasn’t sure if I could do it anymore. If being told I would be paralyzed for the rest of my life and all the struggles I’ve had to go through couldn’t do it, I didn’t know what could. It was about 8 o’clock, everybody had left the party, and I was fine all day until I checked my Facebook..

I had all kinds of notifications and messages, which were all extremely nice and made me feel very good on my special day. Then I clicked on a private message from my sister-in-law (written by her and my brother). She had written a touching introduction, wishing me a happy “re” birthday, and telling me how happy they both were that I was still here. The second paragraph read..

“This time last year was the worst day of our lives followed by the worst week and several months. There are so many moments from that time we spent with you that I will never forget, some bad… a lot bad but some good. I will never forget one moment in particular.. In the ICU you would sometimes open your eyes a tiny bit and you would react to the tube in your throat. (It was horrible to watch you like that). When this happened your heart rate would spike so everyone would talk to you and try to just calm and relax you. One time it was just Alex and I with you and you had an episode like that. Alex started talking to you and you tilted your head in his direction. He told you he was there.. that he loved you and you had to fight… You had to keep fighting. You nodded your head.”

It was this paragraph that did it. It tore me up. My brother and I have always had a very close relationship and we were ALWAYS dicking around when we were growing up.. still today, on xbox live. We were almost never serious, we had a very ‘brotherly’ relationship where we would always be joking around and laughing, much like you have, or at least had at one point with your siblings I’m sure. Reading through this, putting myself in his shoes, not only thinking that my brother might be gone forever, but pretty damn sure he is, and I will never get to kid around with him ever again. Joking around being the very last thing on my mind, and never more serious in my life. Completely helpless to the fact and out of shear desperation, I start talking to him, even though I know he can’t hear me, “You have to fight…you have to.”

I started to cry. I didn’t just get teary eyed, I legitimately sat there and bawled my eyes out. It was a good cry though. Great, actually, it was so nice to get it all out. I thought the story itself was pretty amazing. All odds were against me, and my body was under unfathomable trauma. I have no recollection of any of this, or anything at all for another 2-3 weeks for that matter, but I still nodded my head to what my brother told me. I had the will to live. The two of them are making an Oxford trip this weekend and I am so pumped to see them tomorrow! I can’t wait to see you both tomorrow, I love you guys. Thank you for making me weep like a little bitch.

After talking to him on the phone for awhile, I hung out with just my parents. We had such great conversation. We were all so tired, but we did not want to go to bed, especially me, I didn’t want my day to be over. That night, I hit yet another milestone with my mom. Through the past year, spending every minute together for at least half of it, we had become so much closer. She became more than my mother, she turned into my best friend, too. However, she was still my mom and so I did not act 100 % like myself. I shared most everything with her and we got so much closer, though. Sunday night she was still my mother, but I no longer lived with her and my dad, and after talking to her for so long, she realized that I now have everything in my life under control. All of the little aspects of my life that I have to focus on and be constantly thinking about were also what she has been constantly thinking about, too. I know she is still going to worry, I don’t think mothers ever stop worrying, but she came to terms with that fact that I can handle what I have to handle. After all, I’ve done alright for myself this past year. Anyways, I now feel like I CAN be 100% me while with her. Knowing this is such a big relief, as a son. It’s huge. I love you so much mom, and I am so thankful that I have a mom who I know will always worry about me. 🙂

Sorry for such the extra fat post, hopefully you didn’t lose interest. If you didn’t, thanks for reading!