“You’ve got to allow yourself some bad days. It’s completely normal. Actually, I would be worried if you didn’t have any bad days.” This is what people told me in all of the hospitals, so I was expecting to have bad days. I waited and waited, but they didn’t seem to come. I have had a few in the past year, like 4 or 5, but that’s all. I just don’t really think about what I’m missing out on much, maybe because I don’t let myself. It’s totally up to you whether you’re in a bad mood, or not. I always asked myself, “why would you want to be in a bad mood?”
A couple of nights ago, I started feeling really down. It was about the time I posted the video of me getting tricky on Facebook and Instagram. It reminded me of how much I enjoyed pushing myself by throwing flips. I never had any teacher, or instructor helping me out, I taught myself everything I knew. I used to go on my trampoline everyday, as long as the weather permitted. Two summers ago, before going into my junior year in college, I decided to join the school gymnastics team and make something of myself with my passion. I really wasn’t any good at most of the events (bars, rings, vault, pommel), but I was good at floor. I had never done gymnastics, so I had a different style and could do some things that no body else could. I finally had an indoor facility to practice and people that knew what they were doing to give me pointers. I was really excited because I was finally going to push myself much harder. Then less than a month and a half into the school year, I had my accident, and I would never know how good I could have become once I applied myself. All of this was in the back of my mind and had me feeling really low and depressed. I called my mom at 2 am, Thursday night. I was just laying in bed feeling like shit and I didn’t know what else to do. The first thing she asked was, “What’s the matter, honey?” and my response was, “I can’t even fucking stand up mom… that’s the matter.” She reminded me of all the reasons I should feel thankful and how much worse things could have ended up. She didn’t tell me anything I didn’t already know, but it was nice to be reminded by someone other than myself.
Friday morning, I woke up and I was still feeling pretty crumby. I kept telling myself how lucky I am to be living still. It has always worked for me in the past because it’s absolutely true, but my bad mood was sticking with me longer this time. Longer than it ever has in the past. I then moved on to another thought. A couple classmates of mine back in high school had past away just earlier this year, and I kept thinking to myself how fucked up that was. One had been fighting cancer for the past five or six years, and the other was caught in a fire at school and suffered from smoke inhalation. I didn’t know either of them all that well, but I knew them well enough to know they would have made the best of their lives, had they been given a second chance. What happened to them, as well as me, should not have happened. There was no logical reason for any of it and it was just plain unfair. I don’t know why I was given a second chance and they were not, but I know I am going to make mine count. That’s what they would have done. My heart goes out to both of their families and I hope that they see this. I am terribly sorry for your loses, but if it is any consolation at all, know that their stories are what keeps me going.